Am I an Aspergers Woman?
There is one area out of place. It has been out of place since I was a toddler. Any degree of discomfort that a family member experienced, I have always sensed. It’s like a sixth sense at times. Family would recount stories of my crawling up on laps to comfort those who were physically ill and suffering.
So can I still be Aspergers. Reason: My degree of empathy for others.
As I grew older, I selected the helping field. EG: I have helped empower others whom are older or disabled. I’ve done well with those clients. Of course my other quirks come though and often those clients even make note of such… But always with a smile or a chuckle. We’ve had a good laugh on that one, no one laughing at another, but acknowledging that everyone has their unique brain wiring.
I ask these questions, about that one area being out of alignment with an Aspergers diagnosis. Thus, I shall now seek a professional diagnosis.
If that comes back as a confirmation, I will secure couples therapy.
As I prepare to put myself under a microscope, I acknowledge the following:
My husband struggles with being empathic. He fits into society with ease. However; At times he will respond vacantly. He expects me to observe and behave as he does. He critiques or belittles me, when I feel or act differently. I realize his frustration is from presenting myself as more vulnerable than he would. I get the feeling, that in being with me in a social circumstance, that he is viewing me as an extension of himself, and more often than not, an embarrassing one at that.
When an evening goes well and I fall under the radar, he may say that went well. Never mind that I have been working overtime camouflaging all evening. I am to take that as a compliment. I do not feel proud. I feel both exhausted and relieved.
He is skilled at being able to contain himself to listen, recap and ask questions. He does not extend those skills to include, empathizing and express compassionate understanding for my feelings or divergent point of view.
To even expect him to be empathic, rather than observant/critical, of my feelings is stressful. Therefore I have lowered my expectations. Many couples lower their expectations over time.
Therefore: For us to succeed as a couple, it would greatly benefit us to both build strength in our communication style to include mutual asking questions to understand the partner’s feelings, thoughts or desires, and reflecting on how to respond empathetically to the responses which follow. I cannot be the only one making those moves. Thus, a couples coach would serve us well.
Maybe I am not even an Aspergers. Everything else fits, with the exception of the degree of empathy I feel for others. It’s almost as if I am overdosed in that area. With that in mind, can I still be Aspergers? Maybe I am taking that one area of personality too seriously.
Time shall tell.
A little voice in the back of my head is saying:
My pending diagnosis/brain wiring, should not be my husband’s excuse for poor behavior, or serve as an excuse/means to ignore his challenges in his own brain challenges. I can see where this may be an easy out for spouses of those with any challenge such as Aspergers, ADD etc.
A marriage requires taking ownership of your own issues and wiring challenges. I do believe most of the population is challenged, and it is the nature of the human experience.
I am already getting a sense from my husbands limited communication that he feels since he is the normal one that I should do as he does, and take his example as my model. I wonder how many non Aspie spouses communicate that type of thinking to their Aspie partner. I can see where it could be enticing to think you are normal and have the answers? To me however, that approach is quite damning.
My response was “I know you believe you have the answers to this. This is best left in the hands of an experienced Aspergers coach, should the diagnosis come through.”