Unhealthy Connections, Outside your Primary Relationship.

Connections. Some fade with the years. Yet, some relationships keep weaving in and out of our lives. 

Is your marriage / primary relationship, suffering from an unhealthy connection?

The unhealthy connection we will speak of today, are those connections, often having an “attraction factor”. That includes those of past intimacy. That person may be viewed as an old friend.

Unhealthy connections, often have the following characteristics:

A) One sided support. 

1- Focus is mainly on their own life challenges.

B) Not respectful of your marriage/significant other.     

1- Request intimacy or affection reserved for a spouse/signifiant other (SO) .   

2- Speak of the two of you being together, or of your past shared experiences.

3- Will not accept an invite if your spouse/SO will be present.

4- Pursues telephone contact.

C) Have you engaged in: 

1) Discussing areas of emotional importance to you, which you do not discuss with your spouse.    

2) Have you ever (while married/with your SO) met with this person in private, to share something “out of public view”  in close proximity (seated on sofa).   

~ Their home or yours.       

~ Movie, Music, and/or conversation.         

~ Physical (non sexual) contact. 

3- Conversation which has included areas of sexuality and/or sex acts. 

4- Speaking of your spouse, in negative way, or not correcting the other person when he/she refers to your spouse/SO in such terms.  Terms such as crazy, emotional, or upset apply to this.

How many are relevant to your circumstances?

You may be tempted to tally up how many of those apply to your friendship.

Unfortunately; The above criteria does not fall into a “grade yourself” category.

If you one answered yes to any of the above, you have introduced something harmful to your primary relationship.

As I go under the microscope…

Am I an Aspergers Woman?

There is one area out of place. It has been out of place since I was a toddler. Any degree of discomfort that a family member experienced, I have always sensed. It’s like a sixth sense at times. Family would recount stories of my crawling up on laps to comfort those who were physically ill and suffering.

So can I still be Aspergers. Reason: My degree of empathy for others.

As I grew older, I selected the helping field. EG: I have helped empower others whom are older or disabled. I’ve done well with those clients. Of course my other quirks come though and often those clients even make note of such… But always with a smile or a chuckle. We’ve had a good laugh on that one, no one laughing at another, but acknowledging that everyone has their unique brain wiring.

I ask these questions, about that one area being out of alignment with an Aspergers diagnosis. Thus, I shall now seek a professional diagnosis.

If that comes back as a confirmation, I will secure couples therapy.

As I prepare to put myself under a microscope, I acknowledge the following:

My husband struggles with being empathic.  He fits into society with ease. However; At times he will respond vacantly. He expects me to observe and behave as he does. He critiques or belittles me, when I feel or act differently. I realize his frustration is from presenting myself as more vulnerable than he would. I get the feeling, that in being with me in a social circumstance, that he is viewing me as an extension of himself, and more often than not, an embarrassing one at that.

When an evening goes well and I fall under the radar, he may say that went well. Never mind that I have been working overtime camouflaging all evening. I am to take that as a compliment.  I do not feel proud.  I feel both exhausted and relieved. 
He is skilled at being able to contain himself to listen, recap and ask questions. He does not extend those skills to include, empathizing and express compassionate understanding for my feelings or divergent point of view. 
To even expect him to be empathic, rather than observant/critical, of my feelings is stressful. Therefore I have lowered my expectations. Many couples lower their expectations over time.

Therefore: For us to succeed as a couple, it would greatly benefit us to both build strength in our communication style to include mutual asking questions to understand the partner’s feelings, thoughts or desires, and reflecting on how to respond empathetically to the responses which follow. I cannot be the only one making those moves. Thus, a couples coach would serve us well.

Maybe I am not even an Aspergers.  Everything else fits, with the exception of the degree of empathy I feel for others.  It’s almost as if I am overdosed in that area.  With that in mind, can I still be Aspergers? Maybe I am taking that one area of personality too seriously.

Time shall tell.

A little voice in the back of my head is saying:

My pending diagnosis/brain wiring, should not be my husband’s excuse for poor behavior, or serve as an excuse/means to ignore his challenges in his own brain challenges. I can see where this may be an easy out for spouses of those with any challenge such as Aspergers, ADD etc.

A marriage requires taking ownership of your own issues and wiring challenges. I do believe most of the population is challenged, and it is the nature of the human experience.

I am already getting a sense from my husbands limited communication that he feels since he is the normal one that I should do as he does, and take his example as my model. I wonder how many non Aspie spouses communicate that type of thinking to their Aspie partner. I can see where it could be enticing to think you are normal and have the answers? To me however, that approach is quite damning.

My response was “I know you believe you have the answers to this. This is best left in the hands of an experienced Aspergers coach, should the diagnosis come through.”

Aspien Woman / That shy little girl

Do you have a very shy (female) child that is so very intelligent. Is she bullied in school? Does she prefer to hang out with pets, or adults (over children)? Does she play with children younger than herself?

What I was dealt in my cards was not ADD in itself. I believed it was for 20 years. I have a lifetime of adaptations behind me.

I recently found out all these quirks, challenges and assaults in my life, stem from what is known as Aspergers.

A lot of good has come from this wiring as well. I have spent a lifetime adapting and making lemonade out of lemons. Aspien women are excellent at adapting, but never quite make the grade to truly fit in.

That challenge has created one strong woman.

I have been called:

“A Force of Nature”

“A siren” (sensually)

“A protector” (Advocate for others)

I am an excellent researcher. A problem solver. A motivator of both self and others.

So where in hell did I go wrong. I went undiagnosed. Female Aspies often are invisible. They do not display the same traits or send up red flags as boys do. They are usually good at adapting (duh) and work very hard at camouflaging to fit in.

Do you have a little girl whom is bullied? Does she seem very shy? Do you hope she will grow out of it?

Well while you wait for that to happen, damage is taking place. There are scars and damage that you cannot see. With help, she can be protected from the assaults that will harm. She can be counseled to learn how to understand herself better. She can even be placed in a group of her Aspie pears, where she will grow and learn so much. These kids are so very bright. They have intense passions and high IQ, but will never be able to figure this out on their own, before damage takes place. I have had children AND teachers tease me and bully me. This makes a child a magnet for that.

And all the while, well meaning teachers will proclaim “She is so smart, reading grades ahead of all the others, she must be stubborn or lazy?”

And it does not stop there in childhood. This is a challenge that goes into relationships. When a woman marries a Non Aspergers man, there will be a very high rate of failure and emotional assault. The Aspergers woman will be critiqued right and left. Even if a hand never touches her, the words will be damaging enough. Convinced he is the unfortunate party, he may even stray from that marriage.

Do have your shy, awkward and oh so damn smart, child evaluated for Aspergers.

The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated. – Mahatma Gandhi

Dog poisonings are common in Mexico.

I am one of many owners, who have had their pet poisoned.

As of this point there are well over 60 dogs which have been poisoned in my short time in this area of Mexico.

We humans, require laws to behave well, and consequence if we do not.  Sadly, Mexico is far behind on development in that area, and many are paying a price for that.

I lost my sweet 2 yr old dog, within the first week of what would turn out to be a lengthy assault.  The first poisonings surfaced in August of 2016.  It continued at a rabid pace throughout the following 12 months.  Then it lifted, to resume again every month or so for the following half year.  The latest poisonings took place this past week; 4 dogs have been poisoned.  One was in their safe yard, which is not unusual.  The poisoners tend to have a preference for placing poison in chicken, high on the mountains hiking trails.  However, there is no rhyme or reason to that placement as many a grieving owner will tell you.  Walking on the streets, it only takes a quick swipe of some tiny item, and your dogs fate is determined. 

How does one recover from such loss or witnessing of such pain and fear a dog will experience.  I don’t believe there is such a recovery.  I think there is a realization of so called humanities mental illness.   Yes, we as humans require policing.  

The government was involved in the planting of the poison.  The reason being was to reduce the stray dog population.  With that reduction, amongst other requirements, The stand a chance of winning a special status for the town, and the money that goes with that status. 

Pet owners here initially feel that this is a state of insanity.  

I was informed that church, which is a central in the lives of Mexicans, informs that population that animals do not have souls.  When you hear this from the time you are young, you may begin to believe this?

I feel very sorry for those who have been brainwashed to believe that. 

My dogs are larger, gentle and well trained animals which do not get off leash except when hiking far out of human population areas.  I have not taken my surviving dog for a hike since that happened.  He suffered and continues to suffer from the loss of his friend, and had grieved to the point of becoming ill.  I cannot walk him enough to keep his weight down, and he is now a good 15 pounds heavier and on restrictive diet, which is not controlling that weight enough.

We are planning visits to the US for our recovery.  We plan to  hike in safe areas, and dog parks for his exercise, and hope to recover further.  

How great is a nation, it’s government or people:

The greatness of a nation can be judged by the wayits animals are treated. – Mahatma Gandhi

Celebration

 

A celebration speaks of connection, and those whom you are connected to.

Lack of desire to “celebrate” is wildly attuned to the level of nurturing that we experienced in our early years.

The degree of health of that celebration, says more about the participants. Much more, than the about the date or person being celebrated.

The ends of this continuum, have many degrees. On one end is embracement, and the other end rejection.

Some celebrate when a relationship is new, only to settle back into their normal routine years after the newness has faded.

It’s more about the people celebrating, than what is being celebrated.  

Obligatory celebrations are sadly lacking.

Those transparencies will surface.

You will (eventually) acknowledge whom you have in your life.

You will eventually mourn the illusion, and move on.

There are two species of human.  

Those whom were nurtured, and those who were not.  

Be it a birthday, anniversary, valentines day…

How powerful a celebration is, is not really about about the day, the event or the person being celebrated.

Again, the power is about the state of those celebrating (or not).

Those who embrace life fully (or can’t).

When celebration is lacking, one is likely amongst those, who have not been nurtured. 

Celebrations are not mere “Hallmark Holidays”.  

Passionately applied, they “are” for reasons beyond commercial purposes.

It is one thing to celebrate daily, both life and those in your life, and another not to celebrate, nor nurture. 

Relationship Hiccups and Women’s Health

The medical profession won’t inform you fully (if at all).

The pharmaceutical company further infuriates.

A spouse, knee deep in aging aspects, can barely see through his haze.

 

You may be on your own.

How do you, do MORE, than simply survive?

How do you maintain your ability to be intimate, beyond a cuddle?

Intimacy without penetration, presents risks:

1-Vaginal Atrophy.

2-Narrowing and shrinkage of your vaginal walls.

3-Painful GYN exams.

I recommend you not let that (vaginal) door slam shut. Blunt enough?

I am overtly sensual and passionate about all types of intimacy.

Yet, I found myself years ago, with a partner who was shutting down intimately due to pharmaceutical and aging issues.

As painful as that is emotionally, it is also harmful physically (refer to above) and steps must be taken to avoid that 1-2-3 punch.

 

For a woman such as myself, you do not want a permanent closing of that door, to that type of intimacy.

The physical steps to protecting yourself are:

Using dilators (Glass Pacik dilators are the best in my view)

Using a vaginal moisturizer 2 x a week (NeuEve Silver Vaginal Suppositories  are best, in my opinion)

 

The emotional steps, of support during this period, I have yet to discover.

 

Ladies, I’ve been the adventurous, openminded and kink friendly type-a-woman.
The best part was NOT the physical.

It is connective element offered when one is of that type of nature. All intimacy is of importance.  I would not be so fast to discard any parts of that recipe. All these parts are inter-connective.

It is quite possible the non-kink, vanilla type lady, will actually find dilator use to be a breeze? I wonder. For those with diversity in toys and other such items, may define those items as being for intimacy and the two, vs solo? At any rate, it took me some time to digest those items in a health, verses intimate light.

 

Take care my friends, and never let any door which could reconnect you to other souls, close. Keep your spirit, sensuality and health, a central focus.

Massage

Massage

Wondrous

Energizing

Connective

 

 

On a simple level, it is a flushing out of toxins,

and easing of muscles.

On a higher plane, it is simply sublimely connective

 

I have to remind myself of the later.  

Often.  

Think for a moment of that simple word.  

Massage

What image is before your minds eye?  Stop reading this for a moment and really answer that question.  Close your eyes and ask yourself this again.  What image is before you.

In fact, I will leave you untethered to your own thoughts.  All responses to this thread will remain private.

 

Yes, imagine that.

I would like to hear your response. 

Then, I shall share my response.

 

 

 

Sublime Energía

Goddess; fuel for the soul and cravings long sought.  Sensuality enlightened and YOUR passion returned.  Goddess stirs, this recipe forms… Dash of her energy, heaping handfuls of passion, and ahhh… tantric touch to bring that which YOU believed was unattainable. Silence the secrecy of technology, for once and all. Minus integrity, energy will not align. Bring to simmer, then quick boil. Consume all in it’s entirety and negativity shall recoil.  

Sí, yo te guiaré!

NURTURE

There is a certain nourishment, which accompanies human touch. Without such nurturing, one can suffer emotionally.  Not all touch has substance. There is touch which stems from sexual desire.  In itself, sexual desire is a mere blink of emotion.  Love based touch is resilient. Love in itself, can take weight your shoulders.  Love and sex combined, are powerfully… sublime.  Concern of societies norms, thrown to the wind, and all sensual desires embraced… THAT defies definition… and often society!  For me to have experienced that freedom, was in itself a gift.

 

Relationships evolve, affected by our challenges; both physical and emotional.  Our egos, may indeed fall under attack.  Aging issues can chip away at ego, particularly masculinity. That’s quite a test of friendship and commitment when those challenges present. It’s also a show of intelligence when those affected, can rewrite how they approach their partner.  

 

I believe that while everyone has that intelligence, few are able to get past the denial involved to create a fresh canvas in a challenging chapter.  A lifetime of intimacy renders us habitual, and behavior is difficult to relearn.  It’s human nature in thinking; What comes easily at one point, should later as well. To relearn how to touch, when emotions are compromised, involves strength and investment.  It’s that evolution in a relationship, involving an investment, that few can comprehend.  This is especially true, if the smoke of challenge is clouding that vision.  

 

 

For continued growth in a long-term relationship, you must invest energy. It takes a very powerful energy within, to grow in the face of challenge.  I noted in a prior post:

https://lagodiosa.wordpress.com/2014/12/18/chakras/

It is believed our chakra energy is formed in childhood.  No matter if you believe in chakras or energy, we must acknowledge the lasting touch childhood has upon us.

 

It’s unfortunate when the *two* do not possess that energy.  It is usually the one who is NOT challenged, which carries that emotional weight and understanding.

 

This has been the toughest realization of my lifetime.  I’ve loved and lost many dear ones, due to death.  Never before, have I felt loss of one who is among the living and within my reach.

 

My great grandfathers words ring deep, with this lesson.  Thank you, Papa.  Those words and that story, stand on their own and are due their own entry.

Shooting Star

A bit of chill in the wind,

warmed by a response,

to a shooting star.

Looking up, at the same time.

I am reminded, it was

not a dream.

Distance vanishes.

Brought by the magic of a star,

ah a meteorite. 

The warmth of hearing you once more,

more comfort than imagined.